Set-ups and lizards: What your friends really think of you

You can always tell what your family and friends really think of you by the people they set you up with. When your in a man drought they will always see fit to comment on how lovely all their guy friends are, however on most occasions they will actually fail to set you up. I have heard about the lives of millions of men and how much we have in common, never to actually meet them. The change in technology has seen this ritual change completely, to be yet another tool in making me hate myself just that little bit more. Now that Facebook has arrived not only can I share my depressing life but also see the men that my family and friends wish me to meet. I never knew they had so many ugly friends. They could outweigh America with all the grease in their hair, or possibly make the poor feel better about being unclothed with the hideous floral shirts they all seem to wear. Yet these are the men that my family and friends think are suitable for me, which leads me to believe that they all think I'm ugly with some sort of greasy flower fetish. It's these occasions that I consider their lack of commitment to setting me up is a good thing, this is furthered by the one successful set-up I have had. This one actually led to a date. Liam was sold to me with a glowing reference; good looking, funny and his ex girlfriend was very attractive so he couldn't look that bad.

LIES ALL LIES. If I squinted he looked a little like Mr Potato Head, get him together with some of the other rejects and we could run a McDonalds. My friends are obviously pathological liars. How did he manage to get such a hot ex girlfriend? Is he rich? He must be rich. 

As I sit eating my meal with the occasional in-put to the conversation there's just a little something that starts to bug me. He licks his lips... A LOT. The meal is delicious, maybe he's just nervous that he'll end up with tomato sauce on his lips. 

Wait he still keep sticking out his tongue. There's no more food.

OH MY GOD HE'S A LIZARD. I'm pretty sure there's an old TV programme where the people are really alien lizards. Didn't they kill everyone as well?

How do I confirm he's a lizard? Why would a lizard want to go on a date with a human? Oh my god am I going to be forced into strange lizard sex before attempting to pass an egg out my vagina? How would that even work? Would I get contractions to push it or would I need to keep pushing on my belly like a bike pump until it popped out? 

He's been talking for a while now whilst I've been imagining a projectile egg. He could be talking about how he's planning to enslave the human race and I wouldn't know. Oh he's still talking about rowing. 

"I never realised it was so complicated, I always though there were only two moves: backwards and forwards" I add with a joking smile. 

Oh no I've offended the lizard, the tongue flicking has intensified. Filter Kayleigh Filter. Scratch that; Drink Kayleigh Drink. 

Wait where has all the wine gone? Pretty sure that's not me. As the second bottle goes I realise it was most definitely him. I can see right into his mouth now, where the obviously tired tongue seems to have lopped to one side like a drunk slug. As his eyes lop around like a chameleon I am slightly please they keep dropping on my cleavage. It's wildly inappropriate but does wonders for your self esteem. 

Oh no. I don't like that look. I was laughing at you not with you lizard. AT YOU. I don't want to projectile eggs like a Vegas hooker with a ping pong ball. I scramble into the taxi with a quick

"bye lizard"

Wait did I just say lizard or Liam? A quick look back at his face as the taxi drives off shows that it was most probably lizard. 

So it appears my friends and family have a rather low opinion of me and have no problem sacrificing me to world dominating lizard men.