"I can't be with you right now but I don't want you to be with anyone else"

"Err yes, because my happiness is bad. A smile should never again touch my lips as it would burn. Burn like the love we desire but can never have". Oh wait what I meant to say was; "Fudge off you twunt". If a man doesn't want me then I reserve the right to shamelessly offer it around, like the special offer chocolate they put next to tills to tempt shoppers. I'm not sure if women have ever uttered this phrase, which is a surprise because we are generally selfish. We are responsible for the 'I'm tired' excuse and poison letters to Hugh Jackmans wife. I have no idea who she is but I hate her!
This phrase was recently uttered to a good friend of mine. I am pleased to share she handled it spectacularly making the guy mentally age 10 years in one conversation - he's now 13. It is a typical toddler response, 'I'm not playing with this toy right now but no one else can'. Apparently these men have never progressed beyond toddler mentality. Now I would like to make it clear that I am in no way a mature adult. Even though I am approaching 30 rather than 20 I still smile every time I say the word giggle.... or apparently type it! Try it, say giggle. Smiles all round. However I can twist this into an endearing character trait. 'Don't play with my toys' is never endearing. When approached with this behaviour you have to consider your options and give an appropriate response. Let's clear up the absolutely worst response: Understanding and waiting for him. This is unacceptable on every level. This is because of the direct translation of the above sentence. The translation is as follows; 'currently I can sleep with whoever I like and have no responsibility to anyone. However I also get the bonus of having you for emotional support and physical gratification when I'm bored. If you get with someone else I wont have that option. Lets not mess with the system.' A long translation I know but pretty accurate. Allowing them to continue this behaviour only enforces it. Eventually you become the woman locking the cats in the dining room, quickly Febreeze-ing the bedsheets as you desperately try to prevent your red lipstick seeping into your lip wrinkles, whilst he tells his wife he's working late. Whilst this stands at one end of the spectrum I prefer the opposite end where we get to physical violence. I believe stuffing his testicles with clothes pins until it looks like a hedgehog is a sure way to teach him about selfless monogamy. I'm sure there is a middle ground somewhere but it's 50/50 as to whether it's going to work out. For every guy that comes to his senses there is another who shrugs and continues to finger drunk chavs in McDonald's on a Saturday night.
I have experienced this phrase myself. Upon hearing it muttered to me OVER THE PHONE! my first thought was 'coward', my second was 'hedgehog testicles'. Despite this he kept in touch with texts telling me how amazing I was. Tell me something I don't know, wait if I'm so amazing......... Lets not go there.
What to do, what to do? This requires an act of defiance. Something bold. Something almost dangerous, heroic one might say. Battling sea monsters is heroic! Yes I took on the sea monster again. I sat at the till with a special offer sticker stuck to my head and prepared for battle. As I lay out like a slutty starfish I considered my special offer till chocolate response. It was a high risk factor, not only from the perspective of drowning in sea spray but also the other mans response. I got quite the response from both men.
Now I'm not condoning my actions, (although admittedly it had high rewards) but what I will say is this. When a toddler wont let anyone play with his toys you tell him it's unacceptable behaviour and allow others to play with his toys so he can learn better behaviour. Really I was just perfecting my parenting skills.

"Let's watch Paranormal Activity"

The single girls DVD habits are unlike any other time of her life. There are films sat in my collection which were brought and only watched when in a relationship. There are just some things that aren't made for a single girl living on her own. It’s just too depressing.

You never want to watch anything too epic. Whilst District 9 is one of my favourite movies it’s very rarely watched. It’s too epic. Any epic movie makes your life seem that much more pathetic and pointless. There’s some poor bastard trying to save the world whilst overcoming a set of emotional and physical obstacles, whilst I'm overcoming emotional and physical obstacles to reach the last chocolate bar at the back of the cupboard.

Single girls in general are associated with movies such as Bridget Jones and the Wedding Planner. This only goes to show what sadist we really are. It’s abuse really. Shiny circles of hell. Whilst we can all watch movie after movie trying to relate to these characters and being sucked into the unrealistic dream that eventually some man will come and love us, it’s all lies. Of course Jennifer Lopez ends up happy; she’s got a stomach that resembles my wall. Even Bridget Jones had big tits to see her through. The Vicar of Dibley always makes me happy. It fulfils the comedy quota whilst not throwing so much love in my face as to make me want to choke on my own fist. It also ends with Richard Armitage which just makes me so happy. How Geraldine feels about this whole dragon thing I don’t know.

Whilst Chick Flicks are the basis of any single girls DVD collection there are three movies that remain on my DVD player for continuous watching. Hot Fuzz, Die Hard and Bad boys 2; minimal romance and lots of violence. That’s the real way to get through single life. Keep watching men shoot each other with guns that never seem to run out of ammo, and the bad guys are always a terrible shot. Maybe if they had better recruitment programmes they would get away with it more often. Even the minimal romance is a comfort. Whilst Bruce Willis does fight to get his wife back, which incidentally she doesn’t deserve, we all know it’s doomed. Yes, well done you made a career but somehow you couldn’t find a job close to your family? You moved your children away from their father knowing that his job would prevent him from following. Doomed marriage. Of course in the second film he does move but it was never going to work. You can’t keep a man like John McClane on a leash, he’s all man and if he did settle his life I would not be able to continue my viewing pleasure!

There is one type of movie that you should never watch if you are single; Horror Films. There is a giant problem with living on your own...........everything movies! I was happily bored with the first hour of Paranormal activity and then of course I went home. My flat has never made so many noises. Then of course there was the clown incident. I don’t like clowns. IT still haunts me. Then in the middle of the night there was a noise in my wardrobe. I looked across the room checking that the door was still closed, expecting a hand to slide into view. Nothing. I closed my eyes. Something moved in the wardrobe. Breathe Kayleigh Breathe. ‘It’s probably just a shirt falling’. I closed my eyes. Something large moved in the wardrobe. There was no denying it, there was someone hiding in my wardrobe. I stared at the door imagining them flinging open to reveal the evil clown that had come to kill me. I had to make a decision. Do I just lay here and die or do I fight........and die? I leapt out of bed and switched on my light. I grabbed my hammer, threw open the wardrobe doors to see............ my stuck on hooks had peeled off under the weight of my dressing gown sliding down the door. It was only once my heart rate had returned to normal that I realised I really could have taken on the evil clown. I’m sure a screaming naked girl with a hammer would have at least startled him.