Feminism gone mad!

I would really hate to be a man. Not because of the unattractive genitalia that lights up at the first sign of side boob, (honestly it must need tranquillisers over the summer) but because you never know where you stand. You offer to help a girl carry something heavy and you never know if you are going to be branded a gentlemen or a sexist.

This week women have really pissed me off. I was sent a link on Facebook to someone’s blog in which they branded ‘love actually’ as a sexist movie. This in itself I think can definitely be considered a matter of opinion. The fact that this person then went on to describe the movie if you reversed all the roles as a genius stroke of woman empowerment, made me feel sorry for the opposite gender.

Now let’s be honest, quite often throughout this blog I have pointed out the failings of men but I think we can all agree that in a lot of the stories I’m the one who comes across as an idiot, (if you doubt this I suggest ready posts such as vomitgate and my of course the time I put impulse on my face). I am all for equal opportunities for women. I absolutely believe that it should be a woman’s choice if she wants to have kids or to carry on with her career, and if she does do so she should have as equal chance getting the top job as a man. However I do think a lot of the time we are our own worst enemy. Our expectations of men are very unclear. Under no circumstances are you to comment on Jessica Alba’s breasts, however also if you don’t hold the door open for me I will CUT YOU!!

We have blurred the lines of feminism so much I’m not even sure when I’m supposed to be mad anymore. It’s most upsetting for me as I’m very good at the mad part. The main part that annoyed me this week though was the backwardness of our argument. For example in this ‘love actually’ rant she recommended reversing the roles. If there is a male prime minister hitting on a younger secretary then it’s sexist, however if it’s the other way around then ‘well done girl’. If a man watches ‘Tomb raider’ for the sheer pleasure of Angelina Jolie’s arse in HD then its sexist. If I watch Australia for no other reason than to see Hugh Jackman with his top off then I’m a woman in touch with her sexuality. I honestly have no idea what the hell happened in that movie! How the hell are men supposed to act? How the hell am I supposed to act?

I’ve always considered myself to be an independent woman and also a bit of a feminist. I’m not a proper girly girl and I you won’t ever find me prancing around in a pretty dress waiting for a man to notice me. However I do like being a girl. Maybe I’m lucky coming from a family where men are (despite their faults) pretty gentlemanly. Even The Gay will open the wine and pour it. Is he being sexist by doing so? I don’t think so.

Men and woman are different. Accept it. Yes we should all get equal pay and equal rights. Everybody should no matter of their gender, race or sexual orientation, but don’t try and take away everything that makes us different. I don’t want to be a man. They have the strangest thought processes and they inflict pain on each other for fun. Look at me being sexist!! Is everybody seeing my point now? There are a shit load of things that women can do that men can’t and there are things that men can do that women can’t.

Let’s cut all this women empowerment crap and purposefully trying to prove something by putting cougars and bitches up on pedestals. Let’s not call a woman sleeping with her male secretary a god and a man sleeping with his female one an oppressor. We know in our heart of hearts they’d be lost without us and I bet if you think about it we’d be lost without them. After all we all have a father in some form. Get fucking used to it.                                                                       

"You're too pretty to use on-line dating"

Yes I am sure this is the case. My awesome beauty must also be the cause of why I am still single. Men are just so overwhelmed by my looks that they can’t ever stand it. It would continually make them ask the question ‘why is someone so beautiful with a guy like me’, and no one ever wants to live with that. What a load of fudge.

I’m not going to turn this into a case of me moaning about my own looks, I seriously believe that there is enough of that going on in the world. I find it amazing that we are always demonizing obesity before classing every girl that is below a size 12 anorexic. I will however make several cases in my defence of being ‘too attractive for online dating.

If I was attractive I would expect to be flirted with by hot guys. This has never happened. When I’m out there have been the odd occasions, the odd smiles and drinks. These have all some from one type of man; the fugly ones. Seriously, my ability to be chatted up by the young and the weird is incredible. This obviously does wonders for my self esteem. If we judge ourselves by the people we attract then my face is in no way symmetrical.

Any hope to improve my personal appearance also seems to be against me. I have given up on being fashionable in the beauty department after 2 serious life events.

So I spend money on some lovely velvet soft shower gel. A mix of flower blossoms, this wonderful new invention is supposed to turn into a mouse that will hydrate your body to know end. Let’s not laugh at this, skin is important and there’s nothing more off putting that stroking someone’s arm only to have to wash off flakes from your fingerprints. So I use the shower gel. Ooh tingly. I step out the shower and AHHHH.

Oh my god I'm going to die. My body is covered head to toe in red blotchiness. Will this be permanent? Will people spend time wondering if I was in some terrible accident? Will I have to start a sympathy campaign to make people more aware of the tragic illness of..... shower gelitis?’

Magnolias are apparently nice, they have an apparently good smell and there must be something going on there because everyone paints their houses that colour. I am allergic to magnolias. They’re in fudging everything and one touch of anything that is scented and I look like I got intimate with a wire brush.  Did you know that most waxing kits have flowers in them? It always takes a good few months before they bring out a brand for sensitive skin without all the additions. Again skin is important. Nowadays every hair on the body is expected to be either tidy or gone. It’s actually kind of sick when you think about it. We become a woman and get the forest to prove it only for many men to want it cut down to resemble the days of adolescence. Never ever wax your bikini line, or your legs for that matter. You are ripping hair from your body. Would you rip the hair from your head? No. So why does every single girl try waxing. We know it’s going to be bad, we know that it’s painful and scary and stupid. AND THEY PUT FLOWERS IN IT!! Coloured tights are all the rage and you no longer need them, red is so your colour. Spread eagle was originally a gymnastics move which grew to have sexual connotations before it became a way of preventing leg rubbage whilst you wait for the redness to go down and contemplating spreading the ice cream on your legs instead of putting it in a bowl.

How am I supposed to make a positive step in my dating life if these steps are going to leave me needing medical treatment?

Whilst I will leave it to others to decide on my attractive merits I can unequivocally say that they will at no point improve.