What your vagina says about you Part 2: "use it or lose it"

This week so far has been pretty awesome. I've been spending time with Gwen: my lesbian lover who is marrying my brother. OK so she's obviously not actually my lover, as we all know I'm scared of caves. Gwen is great though, and it's good for me to actually spend some time being girly.
Her marriage to my brother though is causing me some problems. Not only has it apparently become a family thing to cover all bases when discussing my future; "guest, boyfriend, lesbian", but I also had to book my hotel. I had to endure the perky blonde (I'm assuming) on the other end.
"so that's a double room for 2 adults"
no you bimbo it's for one adult, I'm sad and unattractive but that doesn't mean I can't starfish.
"err yes 2 adults"! Who knows it could happen .... or I can kidnap someone off the street.
The girly stuff of wine and movies did bring up the frightening concept of 'use it or lose it'. A movie mentioned a woman who didn't have sex and her vagina closed up! We investigated this concept and discovered 3 things about vaginas:
The first is Vacne! That's right vaginal acne. Just like the panna-cotta face there is panna-cotta vagina. The hamburger scene where we are all worried it will burst and add extra sauce is replicated with oral sex. Sex feels like humping bubble wrap. The popping sound is fun but it all ends with disappointment and in this case pus. I can't say I ever suffered from Vacne. Whilst my face was spotty my vagina was normal, which got me thinking; can we see these people from the lack of face acne? I used to be jealous of those girls without spots but maybe they were just somewhere unseen.
The second bit of harrowing news is that your vagina gets vinkles. No, that's not a German saying wrinkles, that's vagina wrinkles. It gets old and slack until you're having to warn your ankles when you take your knickers off. When you walk around naked there's a slapping beat to walk to. Men start having to consider if you're not enjoying it because of technique or because their embedded in a deep wrinkle. The clean up would be disgusting.
The final bit of information is the truth; if you don't use it you lose it! If you don't have sex your vagina can actually close! Apparently we are supposed to remind our vagina it has uses other than child birth. What the fudge? What am I supposed to do, start reading it 50 shades of grey? Legs a spread, a mirror to check it's listening? Surely that would just make it sad. This is what we could be doing vagina but your face looks better than mine and whilst you will also wrinkle at least you can't be seen. My vagina must hate me. If I had a better personality and an even better face then it wouldn't look longingly at mother vaginas. They may resemble the elephant man but at least they've been used. It's currently very scared of becoming a Dr Who monster. No mouth but able to communicate with my brain telepathically to tell me what a loser I am.
I may start a new dating site, our motto will be:
'Date; because your vagina needs you'

A quick thought on sex with inanimate objects

I'm seriously concerned for my health. This is because of one man; Hugh Jackman. I watched him take his shirt off, muscles rippling, dark eyes and a stare that says "You'd have the night of your life", and........ nothing. I felt nothing. My stomach remained like a flowerless meadow and my knickers as dry as grass in summer. I have come to accept that men have made a global agreement not to find me attractive, but me not finding them  attractive is just mean.
When animals sense a change in their environment they adapt. Adaptations to a lack of attraction to humans include: bestiality and sex with inanimate objects. I'm not sure I could stand the look on the animals face, and I know too many stories like the guy who was found dead at the bottom of a land slide still inside a chicken. So sex with inanimate objects it is then.
'Oh chest of drawers, I love how you open and close. I want to put all my clothes in you. Oh slam that drawer hard. Harder. Harder....... shit it broke' ... I'm starting to see a flaw in this plan!
I recently watched an episode of 'Snog, marry, avoid' where a girl stated her perfect man was Buzz Lightyear. The response of 'isn't he just 12 inches of plastic toy' just made me think "lucky girl, usually you only get nine". Which brings me to the best possible solution to my problem. It actually fulfils both adaptations and has the proven ability to be superior to men in every way. The Rabbit. To be clear I mean the vibrator rabbit not the cute until you realise it eats its own shit rabbit. It's an inanimate object that just keeps on giving and comes in a pretty range of colours. It makes sense that if you're going to form a sexual relationship with an object then pick he one that's designed for just that.
It actually makes me feel sympathetic the wank sock. Women have been long attended to in our sexual needs and its relatively easy to do. You can form various shapes and devices to fit in it. However a man's penis really needs something to fit into. It's just impractical. Especially as the clean up is so messy. The sophistication of male self pleasure has never gone beyond that of the kleenex tissue. This proves two things 1) men need women more than we need men 2) when the machines rise up I know which side I'm on.
So sex with inanimate objects it is then.
I better stock up on batteries.