Yes I am sure this is the case. My awesome beauty must also
be the cause of why I am still single. Men are just so overwhelmed by my looks
that they can’t ever stand it. It would continually make them ask the question ‘why
is someone so beautiful with a guy like me’, and no one ever wants to live with
that. What a load of fudge.
I’m not going to turn this into a case of me moaning about
my own looks, I seriously believe that there is enough of that going on in the
world. I find it amazing that we are always demonizing obesity before classing
every girl that is below a size 12 anorexic. I will however make several cases
in my defence of being ‘too attractive for online dating.
If
I was attractive I would expect to be flirted with by hot guys. This has never
happened. When I’m out there have been the odd occasions, the odd smiles and
drinks. These have all some from one type of man; the fugly ones. Seriously, my
ability to be chatted up by the young and the weird is incredible. This obviously
does wonders for my self esteem. If we judge ourselves by the people we attract
then my face is in no way symmetrical.
Any
hope to improve my personal appearance also seems to be against me. I have
given up on being fashionable in the beauty department after 2 serious life
events.
So
I spend money on some lovely velvet soft shower gel. A mix of flower blossoms, this
wonderful new invention is supposed to turn into a mouse that will hydrate your
body to know end. Let’s not laugh at this, skin is important and there’s
nothing more off putting that stroking someone’s arm only to have to wash off
flakes from your fingerprints. So I use the shower gel. Ooh tingly. I step out
the shower and AHHHH.
Oh
my god I'm going to die. My body is covered head to toe in red blotchiness.
Will this be permanent? Will people spend time wondering if I was in some
terrible accident? Will I have to start a sympathy campaign to make people more
aware of the tragic illness of..... shower gelitis?’
Magnolias
are apparently nice, they have an apparently good smell and there must be
something going on there because everyone paints their houses that colour. I am
allergic to magnolias. They’re in fudging everything and one touch of anything that
is scented and I look like I got intimate with a wire brush. Did you know that most waxing kits have
flowers in them? It always takes a good few months before they bring out a
brand for sensitive skin without all the additions. Again skin is important.
Nowadays every hair on the body is expected to be either tidy or gone. It’s
actually kind of sick when you think about it. We become a woman and get the
forest to prove it only for many men to want it cut down to resemble the days
of adolescence. Never ever wax your bikini line, or your legs for that matter.
You are ripping hair from your body. Would you rip the hair from your head? No.
So why does every single girl try waxing. We know it’s going to be bad, we know
that it’s painful and scary and stupid. AND THEY PUT FLOWERS IN IT!! Coloured
tights are all the rage and you no longer need them, red is so your colour. Spread
eagle was originally a gymnastics move which grew to have sexual connotations
before it became a way of preventing leg rubbage whilst you wait for the
redness to go down and contemplating spreading the ice cream on your legs
instead of putting it in a bowl.
How
am I supposed to make a positive step in my dating life if these steps are
going to leave me needing medical treatment?
Whilst
I will leave it to others to decide on my attractive merits I can unequivocally
say that they will at no point improve.
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