"How would your friends describe you?"

A few months ago a friend and I made a pact; if we were still single by New Year then we would sign up to internet dating. As you may have noticed, it’s New Year. I also only have 5 months to get a date before my brother’s wedding. So I have once again started the barrel cleaning adventure that is online dating. After the turn out of my last attempt I have to admit to being a little nervous, however I refuse to be one of those people that moan about things without doing anything positive to change it. Those people present the opportunity for tea cup rim sharpening.

The actual matches and subsequent computerised conversation is one thing but the building of your profile is just exhausting. First you have to sift through a series of questions and suddenly try and answer for the opinions of others. When asked about yourself you can never tell the truth as they are all pre-prepared answers.

How would your friends describe you? - Honest, Friendly, Shy etc.

What about ‘none of the above’? My friends would describe me as ‘an averagely intelligent core wrapped in a geeky outer. Probably insane with a cynicism that may one day end the lives of several humans and the construction of a real life Death Star just for personal shits and giggles’.  And yet this option does not appear anywhere.

How would you describe your physical build? Athletic, Curvy etc.

A series of hot dog rolls placed both vertically and horizontal, that sometimes squidgy together forming a red zebra crossing.

Then you have to select what you are looking for in a partner. There was one question that got me stumped. How important is your partner’s physical appearance? Now if I say ‘Very’ I will probably end up with self obsessed Ken Dolls that are only on the site because the plastic factory blew up. They would probably also wonder why I am appearing in their section with my lack of hair extensions and what race I am considering my lack of orange tint. The conclusion most likely being that I am albino. On the other hand if I say ‘not at all’ I will end up with a series of men with teeth that resemble stone henge and use a rag on a stick to reach that ‘hard to get to’ places. I know beggars can’t be choosers but there is no such thing as a sexy marshmallow man.

Picture time. Why am I drunk in all these photos? The rest involve me in an array of fancy dress that may show an obsession with role play to an internet pervert. So I have to look through all my photos. Why do I have so many photos of Bonobo monkeys? Oh wait, that’s me? What happens to my nose when it’s in front of a camera? I don’t want to shock you but I may be Elmo’s mum.

The final profile prep is writing up things like your hobbies. Here comes the problem; I don’t have a lot of hobbies that don’t make me seem like a 12 year old boy or 50 year old woman but I do have this (my blog). Do I put it on there? How would I even go about explaining it considering its content? ‘If you would like to re-live the most embarrassing moments of my life for a risk assessment and find out the size of my ex-boyfriends penis then go crazy’...

Cycling and comics it is.