'It will happen to you before you know it'

'I am so happy for you, really, really...............really happy.........really'
This is the usual response when a friend/family member tells you they're getting married when you're single. It's not that we're not happy for them, it's just that whilst our face is smiling our ego is setting up a noose whilst drinking its own tears.
Now, I am getting pretty used to my surrounding group getting married and leaving me drowning in chocolate and wondering how beautiful mine, Ben and Jerrys children would be (the answer is VERY, very beautiful). However it still seems to be exhausting. Yes, that's right; exhausting. Have you ever tried to hold a conversation whilst your brain is at war? Whilst my mouth is saying 'I am so happy for you, really, really', my brain is trying to get me to say:
'You? Seriously? Seriously? You're getting married? In high school you used a tissue to blow your nose and then stuffed it in your bra?'
'How the hell did you get a man to fall for you after you proved you could bite your own toe nails?'
I work very hard to make sure that this does not come out of my mouth, although apparently something does come through as I often get the response:
'It will happen to you before you know it'. What a great philosophy to hear while I flick through the cat adoption pages! 'It will happen before you know it'? If I don't know its happening, what exactly is the idea here? One day I will meet a man. This man will keep me half drugged throughout the next few years. Until one day he listens to Beyonce and decides to put a ring on it. Being half drugged I don't even know I'm walking down the aisle until I wake up from my forced high to see a ring on it. Call me crazy but if I'm going to get married I will want to know about it. I've got to make sure that the man isn't a fan of spiderman!
Last week I put on the smiley face again. This time I was genuinely thinking of their happiness for a whole five minutes. Then I used it as a confirmation that an arm hump from an armadillo was the best it was going to get for me. I felt I owed them 5 minutes as it was my brother and amazing friend. This time I at least had an accomplice in the newly single gay. We agreed that we were 'happy........really, really happy.'
'We're both really happy for them...............................bastards'



Epilogue: On the Monday that was my birthday, I got a great present in being asked to be a bridesmaid. However this request gave me a mixture of both happiness and fear.............. Vomitgate: The prequel!