Over baked rolls and half baked ideas

I would like to make it clear that I was not one of those people complaining during the cold weather. These people can be found in various hospitals after driving their friends insane complaining about the current hot weather. Pick a weather dislike and stick to it. I adore Autumn/Winter. I love crunching up the fallen leaves and I own more scarves that underwear. So you can imagine my response to the unprecedented good weather we have been having. Whilst I love that my plants are blooming and any excuse to sit in a pub garden, I can often be found in-doors with my head in the freezer like a hyperthermic Sylvia Plath. However taking a leaf out of a friends book I decided to use the good weather to my own advantage. It was time to do everything I could to prevent people telling me how pale I look. It's starting to make me unpopular as my brain to mouth filter fails. Responses such as 'Yeah I saw you coming and got scared of being crushed' and comparing people to a scene from Indiana Jones is not a good defence mechanism.
Why can't they bring back the days of the English rose? It's like a twisted Disney clash as the Oompa Loompa's paint the roses orange. Suddenly the orange pencil is in demand when children are asked to draw their families. The temptation to start a chocolate factory is very intense right now.
Anyway to stop myself looking like a character from 'A Christmas Carol' I decided to sit in my garden, thank god its private and put on the bikini. Sat in my garden chair I was quite happy for an hour. Then I looked down. It was like the bread tray at a cheap BBQ; finger roll on top of finger roll heating up in the sun. I'm sure most people have a roll or two when they lounge so I ignored it. Then later I looked in the mirror. It was like that joke about the sunburnt penguin. 4 nice bun tops burnt with the sides still a milky white, where the fat had rolled together. I burnt my baps, and not the ones I'm supposed to have. When you look like a cheesy penguin joke you know you need to do something. If I ever hope to be seen naked again I need to tone up..... and invest in some after sun.
There's just one problem. The best way to tone up; exercise. I am not an exercise person. I have all the intent but no commitment. I go through stages of hope, boredom and eventually failure. I have one of those cheap rowers that is essentially a giant elastic band with handles. I kept that up for a few weeks before deciding that it was evil. Making you all sweaty so your hands slip and you end up physically abusing yourself is not good exercise. It's O.K having a washboard stomach but a purple face is pleasing to no one.
I also did Pilates, now this lasted longer if you count the weeks, but when you consider that I only did it once a week it, was an epic failure. Not being able to afford the gym I opted for the home DVD. This lasted exactly as long as my patience for the irritating instructor. No one should be that happy about exercise. Stupidly smiling at me with her "You're doing a great job", Yeah right, I bet you say that to everyone. She also kept saying things like "return to your centre". Well my living room is more of an 'L' shape so that puts me in a place where I can't really see the TV. Score. Can't see the teacher, can't do the lesson. When she commented that on week 6 you should be able to see some change and presented her perfectly formed Barbie thigh it was clear the DVD would not survive the night. I still find bits of it around the flat with a sadistic smile. I always hope it was like a voodoo doll and the stupid smiley, torture woman felt the pain as I attacked it with the scissors.
I am currently enjoying my cycling. This may eventually help with the roll problem but it creates another one as I go off road and get a flange battering. He may be impressed by my flat stomach but my deformed vagina may cause some serious issues. Like a memory foam mattress it will eventually show the perfect outline of my bike saddle. Maybe I should embellish it with 'THIS WAY ->' to avoid any mid-coital confusion.
So cycling it is.

I just ate 3 chocolate tea cakes.