Unfortunately within the last year most of my male attention has come from one main source; Stalker boy. I don't think he was christened as that but the name depoll has got his file waiting.
There is one way to create a stalker: be nice during a break-up. I have already revealed my fail safe ways to end a relationship, make it brutal and be honest. 'I'm breaking up with you because I would gladly play Russian roulette with a cyanide capsule and an m 'n' m rather than kiss you again'.
When I broke up with stalker boy I was going through a time in my life where I was trying to be a better person...... it didn't last.
Having been away for two weeks the stalker was keen to see me and rapped on my door the minute I got back. At that point my rose tinted glasses suffered their peril. It was possibly the radioactive sheen of his 'too long un-dyed' hair, or the stench of joop aftershave that had been thrown on to cover up the cigarette smell. As we headed into the flat my mind was made up. I started running through my head:
'your after shower naked dance only accentuates your tiny penis'. Why do men insist on dancing naked, waggling their penis in your face? Is it supposed to be attractive? Wait did stalker boy just pull out a present?!
He brought me shoes. I'm about to break up with a man who had spent a good £80 on shoes. Crap. I better try and be nice.
ONE HOUR LATER
YES. I broke up with someone in a grown up, adult manner. I expressed my feelings clearly without resorting to insult and it all went smoothly. BEEP BEEP.
*Changed your mind yet?*
oh crap!
ONE WEEK LATER
*Still not changed your mind yet?*
Why would I have changed my mind, why? You lick teeth when you kiss. It's gross. If you want to taste my teeth put Macleans with your chips.
ONE MONTH LATER
*I ran out of the deodorant I used to leave at your place, such a sad start to the day :(*
I can not express how pathetic that text is. You have come an office joke. Whenever we run out of something we say "such a sad start to the day".
SIX WEEKS LATER
*Hey how are you? I miss you*
Well I don't miss you. I do not miss having to endure the conversation with your mates where you compared having a wank towel to a wank sock.
ANOTHER TWO MONTHS LATER
*Hey was thinking of stopping by. Why don't we meet up and have a coffee. Miss you really bad*
I really don't miss discovering the sock under your bed.
EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS AFTER THE BREAK UP
*How about that coffee*
No you stalker boy, you admitted to having a wank in a traffic jam because 'there was nothing better to do'.
** dear stalker boy, Im not going to this politely because you have pushed me over the edge. Leave me alone and spend your time considering the fact that women lie and size DOES matter**
That sorts that then.........
To be continued.
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