This week so far has been pretty awesome. I've been spending time with Gwen: my lesbian lover who is marrying my brother. OK so she's obviously not actually my lover, as we all know I'm scared of caves. Gwen is great though, and it's good for me to actually spend some time being girly.
Her marriage to my brother though is causing me some problems. Not only has it apparently become a family thing to cover all bases when discussing my future; "guest, boyfriend, lesbian", but I also had to book my hotel. I had to endure the perky blonde (I'm assuming) on the other end.
"so that's a double room for 2 adults"
no you bimbo it's for one adult, I'm sad and unattractive but that doesn't mean I can't starfish.
"err yes 2 adults"! Who knows it could happen .... or I can kidnap someone off the street.
The girly stuff of wine and movies did bring up the frightening concept of 'use it or lose it'. A movie mentioned a woman who didn't have sex and her vagina closed up! We investigated this concept and discovered 3 things about vaginas:
The first is Vacne! That's right vaginal acne. Just like the panna-cotta face there is panna-cotta vagina. The hamburger scene where we are all worried it will burst and add extra sauce is replicated with oral sex. Sex feels like humping bubble wrap. The popping sound is fun but it all ends with disappointment and in this case pus. I can't say I ever suffered from Vacne. Whilst my face was spotty my vagina was normal, which got me thinking; can we see these people from the lack of face acne? I used to be jealous of those girls without spots but maybe they were just somewhere unseen.
The second bit of harrowing news is that your vagina gets vinkles. No, that's not a German saying wrinkles, that's vagina wrinkles. It gets old and slack until you're having to warn your ankles when you take your knickers off. When you walk around naked there's a slapping beat to walk to. Men start having to consider if you're not enjoying it because of technique or because their embedded in a deep wrinkle. The clean up would be disgusting.
The final bit of information is the truth; if you don't use it you lose it! If you don't have sex your vagina can actually close! Apparently we are supposed to remind our vagina it has uses other than child birth. What the fudge? What am I supposed to do, start reading it 50 shades of grey? Legs a spread, a mirror to check it's listening? Surely that would just make it sad. This is what we could be doing vagina but your face looks better than mine and whilst you will also wrinkle at least you can't be seen. My vagina must hate me. If I had a better personality and an even better face then it wouldn't look longingly at mother vaginas. They may resemble the elephant man but at least they've been used. It's currently very scared of becoming a Dr Who monster. No mouth but able to communicate with my brain telepathically to tell me what a loser I am.
I may start a new dating site, our motto will be:
'Date; because your vagina needs you'
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