"We're getting married"

Would you fudging stop it now please. For some reason everyone is really happy. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.
Within the last month 2 friends have got married, 3 engaged and 1 has had a baby. It's selfish is what it is. No appreciation for the patheticness of other people's lives. Nowadays it's not even something you overhear down the pub, where there is immediate access to to alcohol. Instead you have the hell of Facebook. You glance at your phone and BAM! Here's a reminder that you wasted your life chasing a career because in the end you're all alone in a flat you don't even own. I'm sure some of my friends are reading this right now thinking 'miserable bitch', well you started it you bling-fingered care bears on Prozac. . . Seriously guys congratulations, really happy for you!
If there is one thing worse than the continuous 'feels so strange to say husband' updates it's the baby updates. This terrible disease has even infected Optimus now that she's a mum. Apparently when you have a parasite ripped out of your womb that then becomes your responsibility, you become overly nice. Now little Bumblebee (see what I did there!) is cute but he's changed her. This week she offered to travel all the way to my place to drop off my advent calendar. Gone are the days of insults and ransom demands, sending pictures of small ripped off doors. She's really nice. It's very disconcerting. Then of course was the status update:
Optimus is feeling proud...... bumblebee ate some carrot today.
What the fudge! I eat vegetables and no one praises me. No one updates a status about my consumption of broccoli. Every Christmas I'm forced to eat a brussel sprout, where's my Facebook medal? My mother has Facebook so why is she not proud of my ability to choke down some cabbage whilst wishing it was chocolate. Some mothers even go beyond the food praise and start sharing their child's ability to use the potty. Congratulations you've looked at some shit today! I work with animals my shit reader is way above yours. You want to start a photo competition? I will take you down bitch.
Again they are praising a child's ability to defecate- something I have been doing for many years, I can even wipe my own arse. Stop praising children for mastering basic hygiene. It makes them lazy and by the time they get to me to teach them they expect the same treatment. Let me be clear: I will NOT praise your child for shitting, I've seen monkeys do the same.