Everything happens for a reason

Then what the fudge is the guinea pig?! This is something said by people who lack control and brain cells- a very dangerous combination. 
It's hard to find the reason behind my string of break-ups. I can only think of one; to perfect my dumping skills!
My failed relationships could be explained in many ways but I think it all comes down to the fact that we are all twats. There are 'romantic twats', 'scared twats' and 'I'm-so-mental-I'm-surprised-I-haven't-been-committed twats'. I personally am a 'I-get-bored-surprisingly-quickly twat', therefore have had to take on the duty of break-ups. 
I'm not sure where the turning point was but at some point my conscience was drop kicked with a grenade in its mouth and my psychotic mind decided that break-ups were a time for shits and giggles. I'm sure many of us have come to the break-up decision and mentally hugged ourselves at the prospect of never faking an orgasm again or muttering 'It's an average size'. However when it comes to the actual break-up we become snivelling wrecks. Well, my brain decided 'fudge-it' and suddenly my heart temperature dropped to compete with my freezer. 
At first the psychosis comforted itself with being honest; 'the fact that you don't know who Charles Dickens is means I have no respect for you and this is only confirmed by the fact that our conversations make my IQ want to strangle itself'. However eventually the disease developed into half truths; 'Your poor attempt at sex and inability to make me come has led me to become a lesbian'. 
I should not be judged. It's a serious disease for which there is no cure. Besides you all wish you had said it! Besides life has taught me a very important lesson from the times that I have fought back against the disease:
When in doubt use the phrase 'Our relationship has two directions, breaking-up or murder- You decide', because when you do it the nice way a stalker is born- and they are just exhausting.