'You're so lucky to be single, you can just sleep with whoever you like'

Errrr no not really otherwise Hugh Jackman would be tided to my bed and on an I.V to keep the fluids up I keep sexing out of him! I think what these people mean is; 'you can sleep with anyone who wants to sleep with you'. Unfortunately this includes men who stare too long at their own bogeys and the ones who want to turn you into a skin suit. There is one thing that makes everyone seem attractive- Alcohol!
Oh the demon that is alcohol. Turning fatties into curvy and men who look like they were made from the slim that builds on stagnant water into a glistening bottle of Evian. There's nothing quite like waking up in the morning and feeling like no amount of showering will make you clean, feeling like you want to drill into your brain to where your memories are stored and destroy every last one, send your vagina into therapy, remove all your finger nails just in case there are flakes of him left under there!
Even the good ones come with awkwardness I mean its one thing to wake in the morning and feel like you may have had sex with a sea monster, its another when a guy removes his boxers to reveal he really does have a sea monster! Always good to look down thinking 'holy fudge I think it's staring at me'! The worry that when it starts spitting you might be blown across the room in white fury. I unfortunately encountered this at the age of 17, it was quite the discovery to find that my boyfriends penis was bigger than my leg. It was such as shock my friends starting googling to find out if a man can skewer your uterus..... they can't! I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there thinking 'what's she complaining about?' Well I ask these women; Do you actually like giving men a blow job?...No? Well then why would you want to feel like he's in your throat when you're just having sex!
Whilst you may be able to escape the spitting sea monster there is always the consideration of how to remove said man. Sense now dictates that we should always go back to our own place to avoid being turned into a skin suit or being forced into strange acts that see us becoming the new actress in three girls one cup! However whilst most men are happy to get what they need others do need a little coaxing out of the door. For example when they don't realise how terrible they are at sex and look at you with an eye that makes you want to vomit (Men shouldn't try to be sexy, they just shouldn't). Now we all know that I have a major mental illness in which the devil on my shoulder grabbed a rope a long time ago and my angel just hangs limp and lifeless down my back somewhere. Well.... All I'm going to say is, once again the hammer next to your bed can be used not just for beating evil clowns hiding in your wardrobe, and talking through your teddy is childlike and his face is entertaining as fudge.