FUCK NO! Oh god why? Did he call you? Did he Facebook you? Did he at any point use the words 'Soul mate', 'I can't live without her' or 'We'll be together in death'! He wasn't stood outside my house was he?
These were the thoughts that I hurriedly expressed before realising my friend was seeking my advice. The fact that these thoughts went through my brain before my friends well-being shows how good my last relationship ended.
It's her own fault really for asking such a stupid question. You see there are 2 types of friend: The ones who you turn to for full in-depth discussion, weighing all the options before agreeing that everyone is ultimately good and coming to a balanced opinion. Then there's the ones who tell you the truth!
I'm not beyond having a discussion and can sometimes come out with words of wisdom that some people would call philosophical..... stupid people. Stupid people would call them philosophical.
The problem with telling the truth is that it's not always wanted and sometimes I forget this. I also have a problem with immediate hatred. I would gladly have 'Fudge off' tattooed across my forehead if I thought it would prevent the weirdo's in the pub smiling at me. It may eventually get to the point where I am looking at the man who keeps a sandwich down his boxers as a likely prospect, however it has not reached that point yet so stop smiling at me. It disgusts me that my mother is one of those people who talks to these weirdos. They love her. They want her to be their friend. Which in hindsight probably says something about the state of my mothers mental health. I feel like I need to wash every time I smell them coming, for they are the type of people you smell before you see. Much like those with the previously mentioned death breath, you can always tell where they've been from the trail of dead plants.
The Gay has been subjected to my unfiltered truth many a time. He's my big little brother (he's younger than me but he's like the BFG to my oompah lumpah), so I've decided it's my god given right to judge all his boyfriends with far-off malice. However, openly asking his new boyfriend "Do your parents hate you, because quite frankly that's the only reason I can think of for them calling you Gulliver", is NOT 'far off malice'. To be fair that relationship was never going to work, he was a gay vegetarian. It's just so unnatural. The vegetarian part of course. It would be a bit of a Jeremy Kyle issue if I signed up to BNP now wouldn't it? Is it childish to think that maybe after being denied meat all his life being gay was his act of rebellion?..... Yep it's pretty childish.....Hmmmm kebab!
The Gay's engaged now, it's sad to think I won't get the joy of abject humiliation. Although he is engaged to a man with a nose like the child catcher so there's always something to fall back on (sorry Gaydrian).
I was actually quite pleased to be asked for advice and learning that I was not the only person that cockroaches see fit to laugh at. After my initial outburst I grabbed this question with both hands and threw myself in ready to answer with the wisdom and balance that 2 years of lecturing would surely have helped me develop.........................................................................................................................................................Hmm come on brain.........................................................................................................................
"Don't be such a bum nugget, the guy was a twunt!"
Wow. Check that out for advice. I've expressed a clear and precise idea with a term an 8 year old would use to describe their math's teacher, and a word that was originally two but I accidentally let slip months previous when unable to get enough swear words into a sentence. Yes it was a cock-up but I will keep using it and it will catch on.
Despite that marvellous outburst of pure gold that Aristotle wished he could have articulated as well, I'm pretty sure she's having dinner with him right now. This pisses me off. Not because he is a twunt and I have to strap my hands to my sides every time I see his dog face for fear of being arrested for animal cruelty, but because she ignored me.
People never listen to the honest ones, they just do whatever they think is easiest. I should have known looking at her Facebook page. I should have opted for one of those corny Facebook cards with sickening words of positive thinking like; 'A man should never never make you cry from sadness but only joy'.
They don't make 'Don't be a bum nugget he's a twunt' Facebook cards. Shame really.
P.s In case you are wondering, yes I did take my future bother in laws name and add the word 'Gay' to it.
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