Anyway I decided this week to pay homage to a new love of mine. Now I may be behind the times but I have just purchased a Kindle Fire putting a million books at my finger tips. That's right I left my morals on the shelf and turned my back on my beautiful books for a cold computer screen. However Steph smartly comforted me by pointing out that I was at least keeping small children in the sweat shops of Vietnam in a job. Well my lovely Kindle has opened me up to a new book about dating that didn't leave me vomiting or scoffing down so much cheesecake my pancreas sent a leaflet to my brain about diabetes.
The book is Nick Spalding's 'Love from both sides'. To be fair he had me from the first sentence knowing someone who has death breath. Seriously she leaves a wall of it behind her, she should have a biohazard sign tattooed to her tongue. Now the book does get a bit disgusting and unrealistic (no offence). Let's face it most of us single folk spend all their time at home and don't have dates every month. I mean I wouldn't even know how to meet a guy. For starters my friends desperately fail at even having the energy to set me up and I live on the edge of a town where the Jeremy Kyle rejects go to die. However Nick's book did get me thinking about my own dating history. Now I think I have previously mentioned the kicking a guy in the balls incident but the sad thing is I don't even know if that's the worst one. So I thought this week I would depend on you, my few but very much appreciated readers to choose the worst. I have pinned it down to three dates. It took me 26 minutes to get it down to three, leaving me wondering if I should just make friends with my cellulite as it was the only thing that was attracted to me. FYI cellulite does not look any cuter when you draw little smiley faces on it! So here goes:
'Every man wants to see a girls ass on the first date'
That's right I showed a guy my ass on the first date. 'Whore' you might say however.... Jake had decided that for out first date we should go to the woods. Now this was actually quite cool, we had bonded over a conversation about animals and the wild boar in the nearby woods so it was quite thoughtful of him to show me the creatures that had always alluded me. It was a fudging stupid idea. Now I will quite happily jump around in the woods but if you're going to go on a date in the woods you might want to know where you're going. After 4 hours of walking around Jake was lost but failing to admit it. I had held in needing a pee for 3 of those 4 hours until I could take it no more. I had to pee. Now as I squatted behind a tree in the pitch black I demanded he make small talk so I would be spared the embarrassment of him hearing me pee. As I tried to squat my foot slipped as my ass hit the ground. Wait did I say ground? I meant stinging nettles. Screaming Jake ran round the tree as I quickly stood up, shining his torch at my red bumpy ass and pee on my jeans. No man wants to date a girl who smells like pee. I smelt like pee.
'Vomitgate'
Why do so many of my bad dates involve body fluids? I was on my fourth date with Matthew and had arranged to go over to his where he was making me dinner. Now I hadn't felt well for most of the day and tried to call it off only to get the pleading voice and guilty conscience that he had been 'slaving all day'. So I made my way to his house storming up the giant hill his house was stupidly sat on. Why build a house on the top of a hill? Maybe we should make obese people live in them, solve the obesity problem in a matter of years. Storming up the hill I started to get a hot flush like a menopausal hooker. By the time I was at the top of the hill I looked like a Ghost having a panic attack. This is what Matthew saw as he opened the door. That and my lunch exploding onto his hallway carpet.
'The ball kicker'
The story I know you have been waiting for. How does a girl kick a guy in the balls on the first date? It was going so well, I was polite and flirty, he was cheeky but a gentleman at the same time. It was the middle of winter with the streets covered in ice so we shared a taxi, as my house was on the way to his and it's always good to have a fumble in the taxi. I was grinning ear to ear as we got to my house. I went to step out the taxi as he got up behind me to see me to my door (told you he was a gentleman). Then my wonderful heel touched the ground, slipping straight from under me on the ice, down I went into the street up my other heel went into his balls. I really should have known there was something wrong with him when he still asked me out again. Unfortunately it didn't work out. It turned out he had a really hairy back. Seriously I knew it was over when I saw him eating a banana and thought I could display him the Natural History Museum as the missing link.
So there it is 3 of my worst dates. Now you decide, comment below with which one you think deserves the title of 'Kayleigh's worst date, so far..'.
I would also like to encourage my friends to read Love from both sides. Honestly I would share a fudge bar with Nick .... a bit...... OK I'd let him lick the wrapper!http://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-From-Both-Sides-Nick-Spalding/dp/1444768174
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