Then what the fudge is internet dating? What a stupid thing to say. Only people who aren't looking for someone will find someone. It's amusing considering there are people who have made millions out of people who are actively looking for love. Now I am not a stranger to internet dating. Having moved to a small town that will be safe in zombie apocalypse because there are no brains to be consumed, I thought it would be a good way to meet people and maybe make some friends. However I was forgetting one very important fact about every human being on the planet. People lie. Even mother Theresa must have lied at some point, letting one go and blaming the closest male.
People are very different on-line. A person can seem like a nice normal guy, with a stable job and a gift for sleaze free compliments, then you go out on a date and realise that this is not true. I'm not talking about the people who turn out to be murderers and think' silence of the lambs' is an instructive career video, just general lies people tell to make themselves look better.
I spoke to Ian on-line for a couple of weeks, he was nice, amusing and seemed both mature and fun. So when he asked me out on a date I was ready for a fun filled date and the prospect of spending one night that I wasn't googling 'becoming a nun'. Let me take you back in time to mine and Ian's date, I stand on the corner waiting for my date to arrive outside the pub we are meeting at trying desperately not to look like a hooker. Now I feel it is important as a lecturer of the young people to point out that it is important for these meetings to happen in a public place and someone knows where you are. I had taken this quite seriously after watching too much Hollyoaks during a particularly gruelling marking session. Honestly the 'Internet safety' storyline produced some of the best acting in Hollyoaks, every one of them managed to accurately portray their character: Dead! I happily kept The Gay up to date with helpful texts like 'Not been raped yet' and 'Currently still alive'. I felt it important to add the words 'yet' and 'currently' as I could not be sure that these things definitely wouldn't happen and bad prose is one of The Gay's pet hates.
Ian arrives and I get the first surprise of the night. I personally look like hell in any photo taken of me. Somehow I transform into a turkey necked Elmo. When I look in the mirror I swear my nose isn't the shape of a butter-nut squash however as soon as a camera is there Elmo is in the frame. Ian however seems to look better in photos than real life. He's not hideous but he's definitely ginger. Yep ginger, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but I can't remove the image of my eldest brother dressed as a 'ginger' for Halloween! However I can't just turn around and run from the Ron Weasley wannabe now so we enter the pub together. As we do apparently we step into the pubs of the future after the machines have taken over and the only pubs left are for feeding the human slaves gruel and salt water. (Honestly if the machines do ever take over I'm going to be the first to go, it takes my computer running 2 seconds slower for me to start beating it with a slipper).
God if this place set on fire and everyone died it would lighten the mood of the place. The excitement of excruciating death would surely pull us out of the wormhole of apathy. Now maybe we could get a good conversation going and I won't be distracted trying to figure out if the barmaid is real or a statue like the car park attendant at Blackgang Chine that has been stood there for 25 years. The general chat occurs, when we hit the topic of things he's interested in.
"Carnival" he says.
Now I know that carnival is a huge thing in this town but it's still a shock to find out that ones date likes to dress in feathers and go dancing down the street. I try to switch off the image of him skipping down the road hand in hand with Batty Matty (my gay best friend). He's been talking for a while now and all I've learnt is that 'Kylie thinks Jamie has a big cock' or so the table graffiti says. Lucky Kylie.
"Do you like the theatre" Ian asks
Shit did he just ask me something? I'm still trying to quantify the point that a man's penis goes from average to big.
"Err yeah I do" I manage after figuring out what he has asked me.
"Me too, I go every month with my mum"
Bing. Bing. Oh look I can see Ian and Matt are getting married in matching pink frocks.
6 Inches. That's big. So then what would be considered small? Wow he's been talking about his mum for a while now.
"I'm not gay, the guys are always taking the piss but it's just something I've always enjoyed"
Hey Dr. Who is on TV. Wait did he just say he's not gay. poor Matt he'll be crushed.
I think 3, no wait 4. 4 inches is small. Do we give these measurements as erect or flaccid?
"So I was really picked on at school, it was hard. What about you?"
"Well Ian, I was probably the one picking in you". SHIT. Did I just say that out loud. Did I say the penis stuff out loud too?
Poor Ian's face plummets. I don't quite remember what happened with the rest of the date but I settle on 4 inches. I get home and re-read Ian's profile. What a liar. No where on here does it say 'homosexual tendencies and an unhealthy mother-son relationship'. When he's begging me for a date 3 days later I also realise he should add 'Perception and mental health issues' and I should add 'No less than 4 inches please'. Considering my following relationship this profile update could have saved me months of disappointment.
I've given up on internet dating now. I just generally prefer people who lie to my face.
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