It seems I spoke too soon in my observations at the lack of stupidity. Now you all read the last blog right? Now after reading that blog would you think it's a good idea that I go back on the dating scene, which would undoubtedly lead to recreational prescription drug use and possible genital surgery for one unsuspecting male.
So far people on facebook have voted vomitgate as the number one worst date so far. This creates an additional problem with continued dating as it's hard to fit a carpet cleaner in my handbag.
What kind of idiot reads my exceptionally embarrassing and hazardous dating history and think it should continue? Well I figured it out. The bastards just want more stories so that when their own lives plummet through the earth, incinerating their soul at the earth's core they can still think 'it could be worse'!
I came to this realisation whilst sat poking hissing cockroaches and giggling at the worlds lowest form of predator defence, when suddenly the hissing started to sound like laughing. I was being laughed at by a cockroach. Now I assume that when Korea realises that we are laughing at them and not with them and put us into nuclear winter, the cockroaches will sit back and piss themselves with laughter as they feast on our bodies and do their best Team America impressions leading to a chorus of 'Ronrey, I am so ronrey'. However should they be laughing at me now? Then I realised what they were hissing. 'Loser' I'm pretty certain the cockroach just called me a loser. Should they be laughing at me now? Probably yes, because their observation was most accurate. I am a jiggly-thighed loser.
Now with cockroaches laughing at me and the realisation that I am the person that makes other people feel better, it could not get much worse. Then I made the worlds worst decision I called my dad. Now it needed to happen and it was his birthday and I do love him most days. However I did not expect the conversation to take the turn it did.
My dad suggested I go and visit my brother. Fair enough. The reason behind me visiting my brother? To get drunk. Fair enough. The method used to get drunk? Show my body off so that my brothers desperate mates would buy me my ever growing weight in alcohol! WTF!!! Dad's don't suggest these things. It's almost enough to see me phoning child-line, however I don't think they come to the aid of 26 year old daughters having a heart attack. What the fudge happened here? Where is the man who went slack jawed and mental when my mum pointed out that if my brother was having sex me and my sister wouldn't be far behind? What happened to the man who terrified my dates and gave me a hammer for "DIY and smashing men's testicles'? There are 2 explanations.
1) My dad has jumped full pelt into the world of dirty old man, rubbing himself all over their 'car shaped like a penis' team mascot, and has not yet filtered this new role so it doesn't effect his youngest daughter.
2) My life has plummeted so far into the abyss of spinster-hood that even my dad is trying to set me up with anyone on the planet just so I don't become one of those women who die surrounded by pictures of my younger self, and not found until 2 weeks later when the smell starts to irritate the neighbours and the local kids have noticed I'm not screaming when they throw stones at my window.
So I consider for a moment the concept of 'getting back out there'. My brothers friends? Hmmm I've never been a fan of dating younger guys. It's just wrong to date someone with less public hair than a Barbie doll. Then there's the fact that my brother is one of those bastards that uses me to make his own life look better.
"I can't allow you to date my friends because I enjoy your blog and that will only continue if you're single and cynical. It's all good as long as you're funny'. Stupid gay. Where else can I look? At work? Well unless I want a relationship with a Rhino, a thing that takes 20 minutes to assign a gender to it or a 12 year old boy I'm out.
I should just accept my best relationship is with the echo in my house. Honestly he's the nicest guy. Fudging girly voice though!
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